I once spent $250 on a “Young Professionals Mixer” in Chicago back in 2017. I stood by a tray of cold, greasy sliders for three hours, clutching a lukewarm Heineken and trying to look approachable while my soul slowly exited my body. I met twelve people. I remember none of them. They definitely don’t remember me. It was a monumental waste of a Tuesday night and a perfectly good shirt.
Networking events are where ambition goes to die in a polyester suit. There, I said it. Most of the people there are either desperate to sell you life insurance or are just as socially terrified as you are, leading to those painful, surface-level conversations about “the commute” or “the weather.” It’s a performance. And frankly, I think people who actually enjoy these events are fundamentally untrustworthy. There is something performative about that level of enthusiasm for a windowless hotel ballroom.
You don’t need them. In fact, I’ve built a network that has landed me my last three jobs—including my current one in operations—without shaking a single hand in a crowded room. Here is how you actually do it without losing your dignity.
The “Proof of Work” strategy
Most people think networking is about meeting people. It isn’t. Networking is about being findable by the right people because you’re doing something interesting. I used to think I had to be “out there” shaking hands. I was completely wrong. What I mean is—actually, let me put it differently: you need to create a digital trail of your brain.
I started a tiny, ugly newsletter in 2019. It had 40 subscribers, mostly my cousins and a guy I worked with at a warehouse. I just wrote about the specific problems I was solving with Excel macros and supply chain logistics. I didn’t use fancy keywords. I just ranted about why most ERP software is garbage (looking at you, NetSuite—your UI looks like it was designed in 1994 by someone who hates joy).
Six months in, a VP at a mid-sized logistics firm found one of my posts on a niche subreddit. He didn’t care about my resume. He cared that I had a specific, public opinion on how to fix a broken shipping manifest. We hopped on a 15-minute Zoom call. No small talk. Just nerd talk. That’s a network. That’s a connection that actually matters.
If you show people how you think, the people who think like you will find you.
The cold email that isn’t a cold email
I know people will disagree with me on this, but LinkedIn is a total dumpster fire. I hate it. I actively block anyone who uses that “Open to Work” green photo frame. I know it sounds harsh, and maybe it’s unfair, but it smells like desperation, and in the professional world, desperation is a repellent. Instead of scrolling through a feed of people “humbled and honored” to announce their new promotions, use the search bar to find the one person doing exactly what you want to do.
Then, send them a specific, short email. I tested this over a period of four months in 2021. I sent 55 emails. Here is the data from my spreadsheet:
- Emails asking for “advice” or a “coffee chat”: 0% response rate.
- Emails pointing out a specific, fixable error in their public work: 22% response rate.
- Emails offering a specific resource or tool I built: 14% response rate.
I once emailed the head of product at a tech company because I noticed their checkout flow had a weird bug on mobile Safari. I didn’t ask for a job. I just sent a screen recording and a 2-sentence fix. He replied in ten minutes. We’ve been “networking” for three years now. I’ve never met him in person. He’s referred me to two different consulting gigs.
Specific beats general every time.
The part nobody talks about
This is where I might be wrong, but I think most people are just lazy. They want the “network” without the “work.” They want to attend an event because it feels like work, but it’s actually just socializing with a name tag on. Real networking is boring. It’s staying up until 11 PM to help a stranger on a Discord server solve a technical problem just because you can.
Anyway, I digress. The point is that your peers are your best network, not your bosses. We spend so much time trying to “network up” that we forget to “network across.” The person sitting next to you who is also frustrated with the company’s management is going to be a Director somewhere else in five years. Be the person people actually like working with. That is 90% of the battle.
I have a list of about 15 people from my first job at a shitty marketing agency. We have a group chat. We share salary info, we vent about bad clients, and we pass around job openings before they hit the boards. I trust them more than any “mentor” I’ve ever had.
Total loyalty to your peers. That’s the trick.
Stop asking for coffee
I refuse to do “coffee chats.” I tell my friends to avoid them too. They are an imposition on someone’s time and they have no clear objective. It’s awkward. You’re sitting there, trying to drink a $7 latte while someone grills you about your “career journey.” It feels like a first date where both people are trying to figure out who is paying, but for your job.
If you want to talk to someone, ask a specific question. One question. If they answer, ask one follow-up. If they don’t, leave them alone. Respect is the best foundation for a professional relationship, and nothing says “I don’t respect you” like asking for 30 minutes of a stranger’s time for a vague conversation.
Never again.
Building a network is just about being a useful human being who happens to be visible. It’s not about the elevator pitch. It’s not about the business card. It’s about the fact that I can look at my phone right now and know exactly who to call if I need to know how to scale a warehouse in Ohio, because I helped that guy fix his spreadsheet three years ago.
Does it feel lonely sometimes doing it all from a screen? Maybe. But I’d rather be slightly lonely at home than miserable in a Marriott conference room.
Go build something and tell someone about it. That’s the whole strategy.